Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I Get By

With a little help from my friends, I manage to get by in this most difficult period. I fervently hope that some day not too far off I will make up for, pay back to, balance out the karma, and give the way I'm receiving. Right now all I can offer is thanks. This makes me feel frequently ashamed, but I guess that has to take second place until I can (soon, I hope) take better care of myself again.

Emails sustain me. Calls support me. Strangers become friends, friends with ideas and empathy. A teacher friend gets an idea to ease the rooster's transition at the end of the day. Another offers to help me put the kids in the car after school. She gracefully turns a blind eye on the wreck inside the vehicle. Another comes by to give me an hour alone while my wild ones run loose in the yard. Handwritten letters and cards arrive, and it is not my birthday. One even comes with candy. Jokes! People send me humor. Each day, some new niceness comes. Despite my deep struggle over how to accept such beautiful, generous kindness, these gifts are getting me by right now.

I feel like I've been sitting Shiva for a little while now. I am trying to get up, get on, be a big girl. I thank everyone for their patience. I fear I grieve too slowly.

I have a small print I bought after a bad breakup to sit on my desk and remind me to befriend myself. After seven moves, I'm not sure where I put it last, but I plan to dig it out this weekend. It is from Brian Andreas' StoryPeople collection, and it says, something like "There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling rain and know that it is enough to be taken care of by myself." I am trying to get there. Soon.

1 comment:

Niksmom said...

"I fear I grieve too slowly." there is no such thing. we all grieve in our own manner —for as long or as short as it takes. knowing that you need a bit of support to find your way back to the self you recognize is a good thing. these wound will heal and leave behind faint scars (perhaps) which will enrich the self you know right now.