Friday, August 15, 2008

Confessions of a Lurker

I've been lurking lots lately.
If you blog about special needs kids, I have read you. I have read and reread. I feel like the godmother to your children, I spend so much time thinking about them.
If you are a friend who emails me instead of commenting on this blog, I have lingered over each word you've sent me, even if you haven't yet heard back. Sometimes I start replies. Sometimes I finish and don't send them. I hope to do better soon. I appreciate all that you have written to me.
I don't know why, but I'm struggling to communicate, but desperate not to lose touch, and so all I can do during bloggable time on some days is read, and think.
Maybe I'm bored and ashamed of singing you the same songs and I'm studying your prettier melodies, your wiser lyrics, hoping my own voice will improve.
Maybe you're annoyed you haven't heard more from me. Maybe you're relieved.
But I'm not gone away, and I am paying attention, and I am trying.

Recent high: The rooster in the back seat has been tormenting Peaches, and then says, "Sorry." She says, "I still love you, Rooster."
Recent low: The regular specialist sends us to the scary specialist with scary instructions to look for scary possibilities about scary symptoms, and we all load up to drive the 35 miles down the freeway. When it takes us two hours to get there in traffic, though, we miss the appointment, my cell battery dies, we get lost, the children melt down, and I still have at least an hour's worth of work to do from the day job after the long, empty-handed, still scary return trip.

Maybe those gems best demonstrate why I lurk lots lately.


gretchen said...

If it helps to know that we've all been at similar highs and lows, we have. I am reminded of the "big finish" visit to the psych who would diagnose Henry with pdd. We drove and drove and waited and waited to meet with him and then, as we were walking down the hall to his office, Henry threw up. All over me. And we had to leave and re-schedule.

xo to you lurker, and thanks for your recent comment. I don't know if I deserve your praise, but I like hearing it!!

Niksmom said...

I get it. COMPLETELY. We're here. xoxo

And, FWIW, even the best "singers" hit sour notes (lots!) sometimes. Your'e doing the most important thing...staying connected in whatever ways you can.

redheadmomma said...

I think it's normal to just ebb & flow. I'm the same way with blogging. Sometimes I write a lot; sometimes I don't write at all. But I always read.

I love your high & low - well, I didn't LOVE the low, because I understand how much you were probably tearing your hair out. Sending you wishes for more highs than lows. :) XO R

Joeymom said...

***Hugs*** Just give us a peep now and again. We think about (and worry about) you, too!