Monday, October 12, 2009

Good Night

Okay, so you know how I whine endlessly about being soooo verrrry tired? Well, as overly prone to apologies as I am known to be (just ask Pixie Mama, I am a broken record of "sorry"), I feel kind of justified in the tired department because, on top of working very hard at work and at home, we never seem to actually sleep or even really rest.

But here is the thing.

Every once in a great long while, we have a day that approaches the reasonable mark for work levels and endurability. Like today, for instance --- today felt kind of human, maybe just a tad like regular life.

These rare days are something so coveted and treasured it terrifies me to speak of them. But. They are the days when the tired cranks up to its highest level, and I can barely stand. I don't mean this metaphorically.

I know it doesn't make any sense, but I felt like someone glued me to my chair at the dinner table tonight, and this monsoon of physical fatigue bordering on collapse happens like this every time we have this (rare) tolerably fair kind of a day.

So if this sounds just like my usual complaining, it isn't. It's me thinking about what it means. Why when things feel just a tick better do I feel ten times more tired?

I think it's because I can. I think it's because I spend so many days holding my breath while weight lifting that when I finally exhale and release, my muscles know now they can go limp.

So I'm not complaining about my tired tonight. It's a welcome kind of tired.

Tonight instead of refusing to talk to his ABA therapist, Rooster called out to him, "Excuse, me, JT. May you please sit down and have conversation?" He felt extra motivated to earn his rewards -- 10 minutes of TV time and a walk through the neighborhood's spooky Halloween displays -- and he knows "volleying" is the only way to get them. He answered questions about school (recess was the best part, because he liked playing with the toys), and he asked for clarification when he didn't understand (what does "least favorite?" mean -- oh, that would be his lunch that mommy made "wrong").

Tonight Rooster had all his homework done before I picked him up. (He has a new aide after school --- his third in a month.)

Tonight the Rooster asked questions. He practiced tying his shoes. He ate a good dinner.

I have yawned seven times writing this. My arms feel made of lead. My eyes are watering because they want to shut. I am going to sign off, log off, slack off, and go to sleep. It's 8:26. I'm spent. But that's cool, because I'm going to bed. Because I can. And that's what is really cool. Do you know what I mean?

Do you ever feel like this?



pixiemama said...

Yes, I know absolutely how you feel. J, however, does not. He always wants to know WHY I am so tired. I do the lion's share of the juggling, therapy-ing, accommodating, directing and pacifying here. And holy cow, I am tired. Especially on "good-ish" days.

Hope you had an awesome night's sleep.


phenry said...

It occurred to me the other night that I haven't had to return upstairs to console "little bit" in several weeks. Wow! I can actually come downstairs after putting them to bed and stay! Yes, I understand. Congrats and I hope it continues.

redheadmomma said...

I TOTALLY feel like this. For me, it's kind of like when I would push really hard at college finals/projects, come home and then CRASH - usually getting really sick at home on winter break/summer. I completely get you.


jess said...

Oh honey, we even have language for it. Matt looks at me, sitting in a useless lump on the floor and says, 'looks like you hit the wall.'

And I'll be damned, but that sucker's hard. ;)