Thursday, September 18, 2008

Until Next Time

Friends, I want you to know how much I appreciate the support I've gotten here.

I am afraid it might be time to take my blog underground. Or just stop. I don't know.

All I know is that I don't have the heart for getting so dark out in public anymore, and my quests for light have not succeeded the way we had all hoped.

The rooster tried a medicine, and slowly, over time, it began to help. And then it stopped helping. No one knows why. Maybe it never really had helped after all? Maybe it peaked? Maybe he grew and then it wasn't enough? All I know is that I had a similar experience with blogging. It helped, it peaked, now it's not enough. I don't know what the rooster needs, and I don't know what I need, but we're going to pursue some plan Bs for now.

I suddenly realized that I was going to say goodbye when I thought and thought and thought about what I'd write in tonight's blog, but nothing I wanted to write seemed bearable. For you or for me.

You know, I never in my wildest dreams imagined it would be fathomable that I could feel sadder about my kids' childhood than I felt about my own. Alas. There is always something worse. I understand this on a real level, and at the same time, I cannot summon my imagination to work hard enough to imagine what worse at our house would look like than it does right now, any more than I can imagine what a billion dollars in ones would look like stacked in my back yard. Because it's too unlikely and too impossible.

I have had the most incredible support through this blog, and I weep with gratitude to think of it. I have been a tedious person to read, I know that. I wish I could buy you all presents. In lieu of gifts, I at least can offer this one upbeat note as I sign off.

Yesterday, a boy in the rooster's class was crying at nap time because he missed his mommy. The rooster walked over to him, patted his back, and said, "Don't worry, J, it'll be okay, mommies always come back."


Anonymous said...

I hope Plan B brings you what you are looking for. I know how hard it can be, I also believe it will get better.

Should you need anything, I hope you will get in touch, via a new blog or email or anyway you can.

Godspeed, and good luck.

Niksmom said...

Oh, honey, take as long a break as you need...but please, please, please come back sometime? Even if it's just to pop by to say Hi to me and Nik?? You know where to find me if you need an ear, some words of comfort, or just to vent, okay?

Sending you so much love it hurts. xoxoxoxo

gretchen said...

Will you continue to keep in touch via e-mail? This worries me.

Love from Ohio--

Erica said...

Your post has made me come out of lurkdom to let you know that I am so, so sorry that you are in such a difficult patch these days.

I also want to let you know that I'm sure that there are many other parents of SNKs (besides myself) who greatly appreciate your honest, tell-it-like-it-is posts. It is affirming and refreshing to read your blog--I am not typically much of a sunshine and rainbows person myself. If it remains at all therapeutic for you, please do not take your blog underground. Just know that there are many like myself out there who read your posts and nod understandingly, empathetically.

If you keep posting, I will try to keep popping out of the lurker's cave every now and again to give you a virtual hug. (hug)

jen said...

you will be missed.

Some of my favorite words from my favorite Psalm - hopefully some comfort for you in your dark place...

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home. You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!

I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave,you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.

I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night— but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you.

Mary said...

I'll miss you, darkness and all. Be well.

pixiemama said...

Selfishly, I have to say I'm really sorry to see you go, and I hope you change your mind and come back soon. I wish - as I have so many times for so many people - I could wave a magic wand and make it all better.

Be well.


Gwyneth said...


I'm sad that I won't be able to check in on you anymore, but I understand your reasons for stopping. You have never been tedious to read - you always have been a wonderful writer, and I wish you had more happy things to write about.

I love you, hang in there.


Anonymous said...

I'm heartbroken. Your blog has not been at all the way you desribe in reading it - it's poignant, painful, beautiful, and all those other great big words. I love it. Please know that I think you write beautifully, and if it's not blogging, you should definitely pursue writing somewhere else if you don't already!

I will miss you terribly!!!


Patty O. said...

I found your blog through Kia's and am so sad I found it after you stopped it. You sound so funny and well-spoken. I am sorry things have been so hard for you. I really feel for you. Take care of yourself.

P.S. Is it just me or does it seem so very, very unfair that so many women have so many trying mothering stresses (kids with special needs, etc.) AND are dealing with depression. As if the one isn't enough? So many women I know, myself included, have dealt with depression on some level and it seems like it has been motherhood that has been the igniting match. Why does God allow that? Don't we all have enough to worry about with our kids' well-being and future at stake? Sorry for the rant.

Joeymom said...

Just sending along some hugs because we miss you. Hope you are all doing OK.