Fall, Fall, Fall

On the first day of third grade, the whole family went to drop off the Rooster. We had prepped, we had visited a day ahead, we had the uniform clothes ready, we had our camera, and after a summer of tutoring and camp and social skills classes and relaxation and play, we were ready to face public school again.

We were not ready. We were NOT at all ready.

After ten minutes of hugs and kisses and pictures, the boy walks tall and proud to his line, where a blonde girl named M sees him and goes into a loud, screaming fit. "NO! NOOOOOO! He can't be in OUR CLASS! THIS IS THE WORST CLASS EVER!" She runs to tell anyone who will listen. The teacher sees her.

"Get back in line," he tells her. That's it, that is all he says. "Get in line and stay there, facing forward."

I grab my boy, who is now half-size, deflated, head hung. The rules are clear: I am not supposed to deal with other children, and the teacher is right there, near us, so I turn to my child, his chin in my hand, my heart in his body. "We LOVE you, Rooster. You are the best boy in the whole world. We are proud of you. You are smart and strong and beautiful. Be nice to everyone, and if anyone is not nice, ignore them. We can't wait to see you later."

The teacher marches the line toward the building. I quickly grab the aide, make sure she understands what just happened, that she will help. I find the resource teacher, tell her too, suggest social stories, implore intervention. Later my husband and I will begin sending emails, but first I need to drive to the gas station and cry.

I have not received a single email in response. The rooster? His feathers seem unruffled, but that's just surface, you know? I dread the next 170+ days ahead.

How was your first week of school?

Mommy Fail

When you have a kid who requires an epi pen on hand at all times for life threatening food allergies, AND who avoids the stomach trouble of eating gluten, AND who can't advocate for himself because of autism and language challenges, here is what you do:

• Triple your grocery bill. 
• Shop at at least three stores a week.
• Order from specialty stores. 
• Never let people provide food to your kid that you didn't send along. 
• Communicate urgently with teachers and aides about this. 
• Stockpile special treats in your freezer for parties, etc.
• Watch what you eat yourself for fear you might kiss him or leave your water glass where he might use it and then endanger his health. 

Here is what you do NOT do. 
Not unless you want to burst into a fit of tears with uber mommy guilt:

Forget that there is a very big, special celebration to mark the second to last day of camp, and only send in a regular, healthy lunch for him.

His sister told me about it, about all the goodies she had while her brother had none. And when my overtired and enormously guilt-ridden tears vaulted down my face like the American Olympic gold medal champions, this is what happened next:

The rooster climbed in my lap to tell me not to worry about it, that he would like to "kiss my nose" and "cradle me like a baby." And he reminded me, "Mommy, you put a chocolate chip cookie in my lunch today, remember? It was good, I ate it. I am happy with you. It's okay!! You pack good lunches."

When you have a kid who requires an epi pen on hand at all times for life threatening food allergies, AND who avoids the stomach trouble of eating gluten, AND who finds a way to comfort YOU when you have a mommy fail, here is what you do:

Find every nut-free, gluten-free candy and treat in the world to put in tomorrow's lunch to celebrate the last day of camp and the best Rooster in the whole entire world.

I'm sorry, Rooster!!! I LOVE YOU. 

I am at Hopeful Parents again today. I hope you will visit me there.

Our Community Keeps Growing

Jess, at A Diary of a Mom, wrote a piece a while back for a friend who was joining the sisterhood of mamas on this road with raising amazing kids. I've had many reasons to think of Jess' post lately and to feel grateful for it, so time to provide the link: http://adiaryofamom.wordpress.com/2009/05/01/welcome-to-the-club/

Thanks, Jess.

I would prefer easier roads for all the kiddos out there, for my friends' kiddos, but this is a powerful and beautiful community, and there is much joy and hope.

Fishing for a Gold Star

Okay, look.
I am NOT good at putting on the brave face.
But I HAVE been doing it.
Have you noticed?
If you have been around these bloggy block with me for a while you know I'm prone to more gnashing than I've done lately. More vinegar. Some wallow.
So perhaps you think things have gotten easier.
HA!
They have not.
But I've been trying to be a better sport, a little more half full.
And now I guess I am showing my true colors.
Which is to say I can only manage to keep doing this if I get my gold star for it.
This makes me deeply ashamed of myself for being so small, but also very proud of myself for keeping it real.
Ya know what I mean?
I just need one single person out there to say: Good job. Keep bright-siding.
And then I will.
Can you help a sister out? It IS almost Mother's Day and all.
And a very happy one to you, too.

Happy Today

Dear Rooster,
Sunday will be Mother's Day, and I thank you for making me a mother.
The week after will be your birthday, and I thank you for being my son.
The first week in June will be the 10th anniversary of your dad and I getting married, when we officially started our journey toward you and your sister.
All the milestones that stretch ahead of us and behind us remind me that every day is precious. I see each part of my life differently since you entered it, and that is a very good thing.
If you should ever look at my life for clues, the way I examined the family history of my mother, her parents, and theirs, read this post, and know that the biggest single thing of all, the biggest thread from me to you, has always been love. Amid the noise of all my yapping with worries or stresses or anything else, you have given me more reason to celebrate than you could ever imagine.
Happy everything.

I love you, so big, forever,
Mom

Hopeful Parents

I am at Hopeful Parents. Come visit!