Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Now You See Me

I am the incredible shrinking woman.

Sure, there are upsides to shrinking; I mean, I am glad I lost those pesky 15 pounds that were gnawing at my comfort in so many ways. Wish they'd have taken a few more friends along with them, but ....

But mostly I am shrinking in ways that means dissapate or withdraw or lessen... I don't really have the right words, because it seems my language is shrinking, too. My brain has lost plasticity, my heart has lost elasticity, my energy? Feels like old ratty underware that keeps falling off.

I am doing less. I am saying less. I am less. I have less to offer.

Not keeping up with my emails. Struggling to maintain household systems. The kids go to sleep later and later. This week, the lone week in which summer camp schedules mean I don't have to drive ANYONE in the mornings but myself, I leave earlier, shrinking from home, from sherpa duties, shrinking out the door...

My nickname used to be Productive Girl. Seems she shrank away to almost a tiny nub.

It makes me come across, I think, as happier. Like when people ask me how I am? I stick with a word, that F word, so bland and small and all I can muster -- Fine. Because that much I can muster.

Everyone knows it's about to be fall, the season of change, the season of challenge, a season I used to cherish, when I was BIG and lived BIG and could experience the feeling of HOPE.

I am compartmentalizing. I am retreating. I am stopping.
Tonight, I'm just really tired.

4 comments:

jess wilson said...

waves - cycles

one leads to the next and air always finds it's way in.

love.

pixiemama said...

You hit the nail on the head. YOU ARE TIRED. Not tiny, minuscule, barely noticeable tired. You are HUGE, YEARS AND YEARS OF SLEEP LOST TIRED. It's perfectly natural for you to feel like you are disappearing YOU ARE TIRED. You are lacking the energy to be all those things you used to be, and apparently still think you're still supposed to be. IT'S OK. BE OK.

love you.

pixiemama said...

You hit the nail on the head. YOU ARE TIRED. Not tiny, minuscule, barely noticeable tired. You are HUGE, YEARS AND YEARS OF SLEEP LOST TIRED. It's perfectly natural for you to feel like you are disappearing YOU ARE TIRED. You are lacking the energy to be all those things you used to be, and apparently still think you're still supposed to be. IT'S OK. BE OK.

love you.

Niksmom said...

Oh, my, I know what you mean...just emerging from a similar state myself. Um, except the 15 pounds. :-/

Be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to retreat a bit if you need to. We're here. xo