How ironic that after my last post, called Snap, I snapped.
Snapped.
Cukoo!
Craaazzzzy.
Lost it.
"Dropped my basket."
Flipped my lid.
Both my kids have been tougher than usual, circumstances have been tougher than usual, and J was not at home for the day when Rooster was particularly "off" this weekend. I still had not recovered from Spring Break and family birthdays and Disney Land and epic meltdowns, and suddenly the Rooster hung on the curtains and broke the rod. When I spoke sharply, he mocked me. My head spun around backward a few hundred times as I spiralled out into lalaland and without all of you here to stop me, I snapped.
(***Wait, important DISCLAIMER. Don't turn me in to any agencies, or yell at me for stuff I know. Below is bad mama, and I own it, and I apologize. I offer myself up here as a learning experience, and I promise to do better - the best I can - from here on out.)
I grabbed my boy, hauled him off to his room, got on my knees, stared eyeball to eyeball with him, and started yelling. Crying, frothing at the mouth a bit too I imagine... I think I had three heads, and I think we were both shaking.
My incoherent meltdown went something like this, and I hope you believe me when I tell you I'm not usually insane this way:
"Rooster! ROOO! Rooo! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MY EYES. Where ARE YOU? Where is MY BOY??! Rooster, MOMMY is so UPSET because I NEED YOU, and sometimes you are here, and sometimes YOU ARE GONE!!! WHAT? HAPPENS? TO? YOU? You CANNOT just leave me sometimes, Rooster! I am trying so hard! I am doing everything I can think of to help you behave. And what are you doing? Fighting! Screaming! Not listening! Saying mean words! Hitting your sister. Pulling on the curtains over and over and over and over no matter how many times I tell you to stop and then you BREAK the curtains, Rooster! Look at me! We have talked about this! Rooster, we are not going to let autism hide my good boy! I NEED my good boy! I need him! Do you HEAR ME? Do you know how much I NEED MY ROOSTER?! Do you? Do you? HOW MUCH DOES MOMMY LOVE YOU, ROO? YOU MUST STAY HERE WITH ME! You must do three things. You MUST love, try to learn, and try to be happy! THAT IS IT, thatisyourjob! Do those things! Say them! LOVE, LEARN, BE HAPPY. Again. LOVE, LEARN, BE HAPPY. Does this look like loving, learning and being happy? NO! It does NOT! This day looks like fighting and being grumpy and sad and it's TOO MUCH. IT HAS TO STOP! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT THIS MINUTE! RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE RIGHT NOW!"
I'm embarrassed to write it, horrified to have freaked like that. But? Hey, I think it did reach him. He cried. I cried. We both felt scared. But he hasn't touched the curtains since. That doesn't mean I'm defending myself, it's just a side note. And I'm seriously considering fitting in another therapist in our crazy schedule -- this one, for me. Anyone know one that makes house calls? Maybe Skypes?!
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Two kids, two full time careers - lots of people do it gracefully, but for me it's a challenge, particularly as I struggle with my boy, the rooster, and his "constellation" of health and developmental issues. Medicine so far fails to cure what ails us, so I'm trying a self-prescribed intensive dose of blogging to see if that does the trick.
6 comments:
We all need a break sometimes. Every one of us. It's ok to walk away when it's too much.
Hugs.
I've had my share of moments like this too--you are human!
Sending hugs and love. I think we've all been there at that breaking point in some versino or another.
I hope you are able to find the support you need. xo
1) consider for a moment what other parents might have done - parents who have less compassion & understanding in their bodies that you do in your little finger. Rooster is lucky that you are his mama. SO LUCKY.
2) my very wise therapist told me, after a similar flipout by yours truly where I was beating myself up about it, that I don't do my son ANY favors by remaining calm under all circumstances....because the WORLD will not remain calm under all circumstances.
3) have a big-ass glass of wine. And go back over 1) & 2) and know I love you. XO R
We've all done it, one way or another. Heck, I did it with my NT kid when I couldn't take her crying anymore. Not pretty, but nothing to be ashamed of - it's not like you're making a habit of it, and like you said, you may have actually gotten his attention. So don't beat yourself up... (hugs)
My son "Sam" hangs on the curtains too! I'm so worried he's going to break them (because the rods don't belong to me). I asked his OT for alternatives, since it's obviously a sensory issue, and she suggested tying off one of those Thera-bands to something high to allow him to pull, twist and swing from it. The band will break before it does any damage to whatever it's tied to.
But you can't imagine how relieved I am to hear of another boy who hangs on curtains. No one understood what I was talking about when I tried to explain it!
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