In a former life, I wrote quizzes for magazines aimed at the tween set. This will be exactly nothing like one of those. Ready? See if you can guess which part of my day made me fume more than any other, then check your points at the end of this, the ANGRY QUIZ:
1. The sitter was late to pick the Rooster up today.
2. My husband forgot his cell phone.
3. The reason my husband forgot his cell phone, as he explained it to me, is that I helped him by laying out much of what he needed today, only I didn't lay out his phone. I should not do that.
4. When I came home, the Rooster was off his rocker in a way I haven't seen lately; when I turned off the tv just as I told him I would (and he agreed) at the designated time, he howled, wept, and threw his body to the ground.
5. While I spent about an hour trying to figure out the Rooster's bad day, checking into what he ate, when he rested, how much tv he watched, etc, Peaches screamed at me the whole time to put my phone down and pay her more attention.
6. When our ABA guy saw and heard me trying to understand the Rooster's mood, he kindly told me, "It's okay. It's his first week not going to school, being on summer vacation. His schedule is off, and schedule is really important for kids with autism. Tomorrow will be better."
Did you guess which item above sent me into a blind fury, made me nearly grab a kitchen knife? Read on to find out...
Was it:
1. AAAAHHHH. Wrong answer. I knew the sitter would be late, so I told her to be there at nine, knowing the Rooster wouldn't really be done until 9:15. It worked out perfectly. In her defense, traffic does indeed suck.
2. Nope, but good try. While I do prefer to know my husband is accessible when the kids are with a sitter in case of emergency, and we do check in at least a couple times a day about crisis management issues, my husband regularly forgets his cell phone. I can't invest in getting angry about it anymore. Besides, he works in the Tower of Cell Hell. Having an excuse to talk to him on a land line kind of works in my favor.
3. BUZZZZZZZZZZZ. That is just too funny to infuriate me! And I saw it coming.
4. Nobody picked 4 did they? I felt worried about the Roo, and sad, but not angry at him.
5. Sorry. While I do get unjustifiably annoyed sometimes with my darling attention sucker, she is just three. Of course she wants my attention. It ain't easy having a big brother always in the limelight.
6. Ding ding ding ding! We have a winner! Despite all logic, the kind attempt of my ABA buddy to help me understand and be the grownup made me want to hurl us all into a raging volcano. We had just spent two full, hard hours dealing with autism's rages, language impediments, mood swings, potty training deficits, sensory defensiveness, and more, and yet somehow just hearing the phrase "for kids with autism" seemed like the slap in the face I could hardly stand. I effing hate autism, people. I know I'm not supposed to, but I'm really very tired of autism. I wish it would leave my son and I alone so we could play happily with Peaches and their daddy. I don't want to talk about the A word all the freaking time. I want it to go away, or to occasionally be able to at least pretend that it already went.
Does that make me bad?
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Two kids, two full time careers - lots of people do it gracefully, but for me it's a challenge, particularly as I struggle with my boy, the rooster, and his "constellation" of health and developmental issues. Medicine so far fails to cure what ails us, so I'm trying a self-prescribed intensive dose of blogging to see if that does the trick.
6 comments:
Oh, my dear friend, of COURSE that doesn't make you a bad person. When we have a kiddo with these very serious issues, we go through SO MUCH processing. It's the biggest thing that many of us parents have had to deal with: it's HUGE. And to want it to go away? Completely understandable. For me, I went through a period of the same thing: hating autism's guts. After a while, it just smoothed out a little bit. I still hate it as it pertains to my child, but I guess I don't rage against it as much as I used to. Remember: Noah's had this dx since summer of 2003. I've had almost 6 years to process. My wish for you: give yourself time & space and be gentle with yourself, because for me, it was a long time coming to get to a point where I wasn't hating everything and everyone. All the writing you do absolutely helps...it helps you, and it helps us. XOXO R
Not bad. HUMAN. And, FWIW, the ABA dude's comment did sound like it was a bit patronizing. I mean, HELLOOOO... you *live* with autism, I think you pretty much get it that Rosster needs the consistency. Sheesh.
Pfft. Blow it all off and move on, love. xo And if that doesn't help, have a glass of wine! LOL
no, it doesn't make you a bad mom, silly. Just tired, wishing things could be easier, wishing for a 'normal' life (whatever that is) just for once - just like all the rest of us.
I'm tired of it too - trying to get my son (and dh) to agree to move him to a middle school with an Asperger's program next year - he NEEDS the structure, the support, and I love the teacher over there - 6th grade deteriorated badly at the end of it, and while he might survive two more years in self-contained gifted, I'm not sure *I* will.... it seemed like our best option last year, now, not so much.
Let's all go have a diet coke and a chocolate bar... (can you tell I have NOT lost the umpteen pounds that *I* need to lose, unlike you?) :-)
Dear Rooster Mama (aka, SkyBluePink):
It's ok to hate autism. Matter of a fact, I'm pretty sure most of us effing hate it. Especially right now. I want to give autism a swirtly in the toilet.
Pssst...
Be OK.
oh hell no
as niksmom said, it makes you human. it makes you like every one of us who wants so desperately to free our kids of the constant challenges and frustrations that they face.
my friend, john robison once said to me, 'when they're little, like your daughter (who's 6) all you tend to see is autism's challenges, as they get older like me, you start to see its gifts too'
but yeah, for now i sure do find it hard most days to see its gifts.
xo
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