Lately, I can feel the need on the other end of the phone line, and it is a need I cannot meet.
Not from one person in particular, but from a few devoted, loving cheerleaders who call long distance to check on all of us here, I feel the need that goes unspoken. They need me to tell them that something - anything - got better here. They love me, love us, enough to call, to ask, to listen, many times over, and I understand their support fatigue. Believe me I do. And they have given us all so much, in so many ways, that when I feel their need, a part of me rises up, wanting to meet it. But the rest of me riots. Uh-uh. Nope. Sorry. This week, at least, no more needs can be met under this roof than the ones of those living under this roof. Very sorry.
Things are not getting better here, they are getting worse. It isn't what you want to hear, and it isn't what I want to say, but it is what it is, and it is survival through ugliness, moment by moment.
I want to say: Add yours to the pile of unmet needs, and forgive me.
I know that they do. I know that forgiveness comes as part of the package of anyone who braved calling our zoo in the first place. I am glad they still call, to be honest.
Maybe someday I'll be able to meet their need.
It would bring us all great joy.
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3 comments:
Hi:
You know I think I wrote a poem based on the feeling in this post of yours, I will have to look for it and offer it as a post of mine next time... I know how you feel--I do!!
I'm sure it won't sound mellow dramatic to you, because you'll get it, but I often don't tell people this... Their pain and grief (I'm speaking of anyone outside of these four walls) is one of my greatest burdens. I don't want to have to share info because I know I will have to add some trite phrase like "everything is going to be fine, but..." and I have neither the energy nor the desire to have to do that.
My secrets? The delete button on my email and voicemail.
I know people care, and I am sure that at some point in my life I will be able to reconnect, but now is not that time.
And if I do answer the phone call or email, I make it ALL about the person who's contacting me. They quickly forget...
***HUGS*** We love you guys. Hang in.
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